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Hmmm … #1

Putting too much thought into words and life can result in asking the following vexing questions, many involving a wonderful twist of words:

  • Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?

  • If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?

  • Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

  • Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

  • How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

  • How is it possible to have a civil war?

  • If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

  • Why do we scrub down and wash up?

  • Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?

  • Why does an alarm clock go “off” when it actually turns on?

  • If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted and musicians denoted?

  • Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

  • Why is it called a foul pole when it’s in fair territory?

  • Is there another word for synonym?

  • Doesn’t it seem strange that slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  • Why is abbreviated such a long word?

  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

  • How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

  • How come there aren't B batteries?

  • What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

  • If someone offers you a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then who has that other penny?

  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

  • There's no present. Think about it. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

  • In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

  • How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get put in place?

  • How come you never see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

  • What if the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about?

  • If sponges didn’t grow in the ocean, how much deeper would the ocean be?

  • Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if it doesn’t work anymore after the procedure?

  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  • Do you think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  • What does it mean to pre-board a plane? Do you get on before you get on?

  • If you melt dry ice, can you take a bath without getting wet?

  • Why does mineral water, having “trickled through mountains for centuries,” go out of date next year?

  • How do you throw away a garbage can?

  • Is a hippopotamus just a really cool opotamus?

  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

  • Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

  • Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

  • When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Hmmm … #2

Thank the Good Lord for church ladies with typewriters! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  • The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  • Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5pm -- prayer and medication to follow.

  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  • This evening at 7pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10am. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge -- Up Yours.”

Hmmm … #3

Contradictory words -- or oxymorons -- are great fun. Some of my favorites include sanitary landfill; Senate Intelligence; guest host; deafening silence; artificial reality; jumbo shrimp; mournful optimist; criminal lawyer; pretty ugly; and Dodge Ram. A comprehensive list of such word combinations can be found at Oxymoronlist.com. Some of its content is bit over the top, but overall it’s a neat resource that can save you some time … and provide some giggles.

Hmmm … #4

Homophones are cool … and useful four puns! Although the sight has knot bin updated fore quite awhile, Alan Cooper’s Homonyms cite is the best weave scene on the net. Mr. Cooper has taken humerus liberties with sum submissions, butt, fore my money, that just makes the easy-two-ewes list all thee moor appealing four users. Sea fore yourself -- yule enjoy every scroll.

Hmmm … #5

Even logophiles (lovers of words) can come up with groaners:

  • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

  • A will is a dead giveaway.

  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

  • A backward poet writes inverse.

  • In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

  • Can you buy an entire chess set at a pawn shop?

  • If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

  • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

  • A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

  • You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  • Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

  • A calendar's days are numbered.

  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.

  • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.

  • The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

  • When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

  • Are part-time band leaders called semi-conductors?

  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

  • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

  • Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Hmmm … #6

The following words have a common point of interest. Do you see it?

  • Assess

  • Banana

  • Dresser

  • Grammar

  • Potato

  • Revive

  • Uneven

When the first letter is placed last, the new word reads the same backwards as the old one did forward. Can you think of others? Email Polished Image.

Hmmm … #7

One just has to cogitate on the length of the brainstorming sessions that must have occurred between manufacturers and their lawyers to come up with gems such as these:

  • On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

  • On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

  • On a bar of Dial soap -- Directions: Use like regular soap.

  • On some Swanson frozen dinners -- Serving suggestion: Defrost.

  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- Do not turn upside down.

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.

  • On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- Do not iron clothes on body.

  • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

  • On Nytol Sleep Aid -- Warning: May cause drowsiness.

  • On several brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only.

  • On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.

  • On Sunsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.

  • On a child's Superman costume -- Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.